1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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