I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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