dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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