he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
