It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
