i wish my penis had a tongue
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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