Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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