when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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