I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
