I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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