My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
