Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
