Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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