There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
