You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
