I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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