Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
