Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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