why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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