oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
