Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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