just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
