Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
