Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
