My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Pants are for mortals
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
