so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
