hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
