I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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