She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
