I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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