they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
