and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wish my penis had a tongue
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
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Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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