Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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