I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
