just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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