At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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