I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
