Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
