Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
