did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
