Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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