Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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