totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
