Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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