Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
