He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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