first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
