Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Can I color on your dick again?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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