I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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