woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
