Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
