so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
