shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
