she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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