I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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