I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You took a bar mat shot.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
