you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
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She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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