this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
