The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
