Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
