My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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