Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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