I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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